UXM: The Diary Of Jean Grey
by Ryan Krupienski
Summary: Issue 17. Picking up after the events of Genetic Eclipse, a look at recent events through the eyes of Jean Grey, and a prelude to a much larger saga. Great jumping-on point.


**Summary:** Issue _#17_. Picking up after the events of _Genetic Eclipse_, a look at recent events through the eyes of Jean Grey, and a prelude to a much larger saga. Great jumping-on point.

**Notes:** I'm more accustomed to doing notes at the _end_ of stories but it might work better the other way in this medium. This one's from little over two years ago, picks up a good while after the _Genetic Eclipse_ story. For anyone who's interested in reading the Marvel-X series, this is a good place to jump onboard and get into things. This issue starts a 'saga' that goes through issue #24 (yes, going to post them all, LOL).

**Cast:** Primarily Jean Grey, with four original characters appearing briefly at the end.

**Original Post Date:** July 2001

**Disclaimer:** The X-Men belong to Marvel Comics and are used in this story solely for non-profit entertainment purposes.

* * * * * 

Sometimes, life has a funny way of deceiving you. It's sly as a fox, making you think things are going to be great from that present point on, making you think that, at last, after all your hardships and sacrifices, you're finally going to find some happiness. Finally, you get to live your life, instead of fighting day in and day out, just to hang on to what little you have.

And then life turns around and _slaps you in the face!_

It slaps you, taunting you for being such a fool to believe its lies! And when you're slapped enough times, when your hopes and dreams are crushed again... and _again_... you finally start to go numb. You get used to the pain. You _expect_ it. It becomes a part of you.

Jean Grey knows the feeling all too well.

Unlike most people, though, Jean Grey is someone who's been in touch with her pain, on such a scale that it nearly destroyed everything she's helped fight for. As a telepath, Jean can easily lock away parts of her mind - parts of herself - that she wishes to pretend aren't there. Her secret urges and desires, her darkest, deepest thoughts... all can easily be shut out. A mental block here, a mental block there, and things are all nice and tidy.

Until temptation calls.

Temptation to give into the urges, the dark thoughts... temptation to break loose and let the world - the _universe_ - know your rage! This happened once, to someone who was Jean Grey in every which way that matters. A part of that someone still lives in Jean's mind to this day. And up until recently, Jean thought the Dark Phoenix had been destroyed once and for all.

Jean is afraid. Afraid of the Dark Phoenix. Afraid of _herself_. Afraid of what she might do, if she adds fuel to the fire. The best way to feed the Dark Phoenix is to bottle up emotions, bury the pain, and the anger, and the fear, and the hate. It loves those things. But like all living creatures, if you starve the Dark Phoenix, it will die.

Instead of letting all the negative emotions build up inside of her, Jean has chosen to deal with her feelings, whatever they may be. She refuses to let them build up to the point where she's torn apart and becomes what she fears most. She is going to confront every feeling she has head-on and take control of each one of them.

She's not using her telepathy, though. Nor is she seeing a counselor, or talking to a close friend. Sometimes, it's easiest to get everything out when you write it down. Write it down where no one will ever see, where your private thoughts have been released to no one but yourself. A diary.

* * * * *

  


"The Diary Of Jean Grey"

  


* * * * *

Death.

This is something I'm much too familiar with. Since I was eleven years old, holding my best friend Annie in my arms as she passed on, it seems that Death has stuck to me, like a parasite. And no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do to steer clear of it, it always seems to follow me, wherever I go, whatever turn my life makes.

My son is the latest victim. My beautiful baby boy, who didn't even get to see life beyond the womb. He was stillborn, thanks to one of Apocalypse's custom-made diseases. That disgusting excuse for a sentient being has destroyed mine and my family's lives time and again, and right before he died, he made sure he did it again. I guess I feel just a little bit at ease, knowing that he's gone for good this time. But if anything, I wish I could have been the one to kill him.

Like I killed Sinister.

Apocalypse's former lapdog and another waste of skin. He kidnapped my children, wanting to use them to jumpstart his latest experiment in creating an army of the most powerful mutant soldiers. They were what he always wanted, two perfectly healthy children, created naturally from the genetic material of Scott and I. What he didn't know was that one of the babies wasn't even real. I didn't even know. No one knew, except Charles.

Charles...

I understand. I understand why he did it. I also understand _how_ he did it. The Legacy Virus boosted his powers, gave him the ability to do things he normally couldn't imagine doing. Like creating a lifeform, made of pure psionic energy, out of thin air, and convincing everyone that it was real.

He did it to take away my pain, to take away Scott's pain. It was even worse for Scott... that wasn't the first time he'd lost a child. I was trying to be strong, for both of us. I tried to just focus on Rachel. My daughter, Rachel. My beautiful baby girl.

Scott didn't take it so well. When he discovered what Charles had done, and realized that our son was in fact dead, he nearly lost it. He was angry at Charles for the deception, but even moreso he was angry at Apocalypse. Apocalypse, who created that disease. But he's dead now.

And that's not good enough for Scott.

Omega Red was the carrier. He was the one who infected me, killed our son. Scott's determined to track him down, and kill him. I guess he thinks that by killing Omega Red, he'll find peace. He'll have avenged our son's death, and he'll be able to move on.

I know better.

It's not going to stop. If Scott kills him, I don't know if it will ever stop. It's never that easy, that's for sure. Because, if one man killed an innocent child... shouldn't everyone else who's done the same die as well? And then what? Move on to all those who kill innocent people. Then to anyone who commits a crime. It's a never-ending cycle. I know my husband. He's lost that sense of self-control he used to have. He's vulnerable. He's angry.

And he's very distant.

I miss him. I miss our psychic rapport, being able to share our intimate thoughts without a word. Ever since he woke up from his coma, it's been non-existant. I feel isolated from him. We barely speak like we used to. Sometimes he acts like I'm a stranger to him, looks at me like he barely knows who I am. I'll admit, I look at him the same way.

I barely recognize him anymore. Where's the man who would give his all for me, and knows that I'd do the same for him? Where's the man who I've shared secrets and dreams with? Where's the man who makes passionate love to me, tells me he loves me, and means it, with all his heart and soul?

He's lost. I want to help him find his way back. But I've first got to deal with a certain obstacle.

Marrow.

I can't help but hate her. She's made it her mission to pull Scott over to the 'dark side', which she knows will happen if he kills Omega Red. She's a conniving, vindictive little bitch... and she doesn't deserve to be a member of the X-Men, living in this mansion with all the special privelages that come along with it. I've never had such strong feelings of hatred for someone who's supposed to be a teammate... but Marrow's another story. I don't buy her whole 'reformed terrorist' routine for a second, and I know for a fact that she doesn't give a damn about Charles' dream. She nearly killed thousands of innocent people in one fell swoop, and still displays fighting tactics more ruthless than Logan's. And the way she talks about humans... it sounds like she belongs more with Magneto and his Acolytes.

Why she's being allowed to stay at the mansion, I don't understand. Storm was very much against it at first, having witnessed what Marrow was capable of doing first-hand. I don't know why someone like Marrow would even want to join the X-Men. Up until recently, I don't know what her motivation would be to stay here. But if I have anything to say about, she won't be around for long.

She's egging him on. Telling him he should get revenge, that he deserves it, that she understands what he's going through. The scary part is that it seems to be working... not even Alex or Adam have been able to get through to him. Not his own brothers, not me, not any of us. I know Scott's hurting, I know he's lost his way... but to turn to someone like Marrow? A deranged, blood-thirsty killer with about as many morals as Sabretooth...

What if...?

God, no. Scott wouldn't. He would never cheat on me. Not...

Not with _her_.

Thinking about it makes me sick. So I have to try not to. I have to have faith in my husband. He may not be the same man he was four months ago... but I know that man does still exist, somewhere inside him. It's what's kept him here, at home, prevented him from going to kill Omega Red so far. I know it's what's kept him... out of her arms.

I can't believe how much has changed in such a short period of time. Our dysfunctional mutant family just got a whole lot more dysfunctional in the period of a month. Charles almost died, and now he's gone, off to parts unknown. Again.

We've brought in some new friends, and welcomed back some old ones. Like Alex... he's been gone for so long. We've all missed him, and when he first returned Scott was so happy. So was I. Everything seemed right, until what happened with Charles. Scott not only found out that his son - our son - was actually dead, but he found out that he had another brother, a half-brother. His mother had been raped by D'Ken before he killed her, and that produced a child, Adam. Alex seems to have accepted Adam as his brother, but Scott... he can't bear to look at him. He sees him as a product of his mother's death. It hurts him, and I can understand that. I'm not surprised, though, considering Scott's not exactly himself these days.

Chris Bradley came to stay with us, months ago, right after Logan's marriage to Elektra. The Legacy Virus was ravaging his body horribly, and he didn't have much time to live. Maverick brought him to us, hoping we could develop a cure... and, miraculously, we did.

Cecilia did.

Cecilia is an amazing woman. She's intelligent, beautiful, and a true survivor. She's worked hard all her life and it eventually paid off, because she became a doctor just like she had always wanted. And, even after that was torn away from her, _twice_, she still charges on. She refuses to let anyone or anything bring her down. She's a lot like me, in that respect. We've become close since first meeting, and I'm proud to call her a friend. Her, along with Ororo and Alison, have been the best friends to me, and I'm grateful to have them in my life. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Alison's not going to be around for long, though. She's been talking about making a return to showbusiness, relaunching her music career. She told me the other day she's already hired a new agent. I'm happy for her, because I think music is where her heart truly is. Being a mutant freedom fighter in another dimension was just never really for her. She only went because she loved Longshot so much.

And now she's ready to leave him behind. I haven't talked to her about it, about her reasoning for choosing to move on without him. I can't say I think too highly of her decision. He's her _husband_. They have a child together! I can't honestly believe that Alison would ever truly abandon him. I think she's focusing on her daughter instead, wanting to keep her away from Mojoworld and the constant conflict that plagues it. That, I can understand, because I wouldn't want Rachel anywhere near that kind of situation.

So many people have left the mansion in the past month. Charles has disappeared, and Warren, Nathan, Rogue, and Remy have all gone off to parts unknown. Bobby's team has really suffered a substantial loss, but he's rectified that with the help of S.H.I.E.L.D. One of Magneto's old Acolytes, Scanner, is now staying with us, as is a young man by the name of Timothy Gaines. Dani Moonstar has been with us for a while, too. She decided not to return to X-Force after Apocalypse kidnapped and brainwashed her, which was a smart choice. With the help of Warren, who knew exactly what she was going through, and with some telepathic therapy sessions with Charles and I, we were able to break through the conditioning. I'm glad she's here, and I'm glad she feels so comfortable with us. Rachel really seems to like her.

Another one of our new guests, Chyna, or Kwannon, as she likes to be called now, kind of unsettles me. I guess that's only because we know next to nothing about her, except that she used to work for Sinister. She hasn't told us anything about herself, except little bits and pieces of her time in Sinister's employ and how she found out what kind of man he really is. I think we can trust her, but I'm going to be keeping a close eye on her anyway. She won't tell us anything, not of her past or even her real name, and she's never seen without this strange mask that covers half of her face. She's definitely hiding something. Something painful, obviously. I'm hoping she'll eventually feel like she can open up to us.

Chris, on the other hand, has had no problem opening up. To me, especially. We've become so close lately, and oddly enough, I find that I can really talk to him about what's on my mind and confide in him. And he feels the same way. I get the feeling that he sees me as... more than a friend. That he's sexually attracted to me. He's very charming, and handsome, but he's more like the little brother I never had. I think he's a wonderful person, and someday he'll find a girl who makes him happy, just like his old girlfriend Donna did. Despite the fact that I'm married, it wouldn't be right. He's seventeen, I'm just a few months away from turning thirty. It'd be wrong.

I don't know where we all go from here. Where I go from here. I've decided to withdraw from active duty as an X-Man, as have Scott, Cecilia, and Alison. I've got to focus on my daughter, and my marriage. I've fought long enough. I think... I _know_ I deserve a chance to live a 'normal' life - if there is such a thing - and be happy. All of us deserve that, but there's still the dream. Charles' dream is so embedded in the very fabric of our beings, that we all feel an obligation to keep going, until that dream comes true.

Hank's going to make an excellent leader. He's always had it in him. Now that the Legacy Virus is cured, he's ready to really re-dedicate himself to the dream and to the X-Men. With him and Bobby at the helm, I don't see how things can go wrong.

Times are really tough now. But we're all hanging in there. I'm hanging in there. I've got to be strong, got to keep my spirits high. Not just for the others, but for myself, and for my daughter. I may not be on the battlefield, but I've still got to fight. I have to fight to maintain my sanity, to make sure that I don't lose control. I can't afford to.

I'm not going to tarnish my son's memory, or destroy my daughter's chance at a normal life. I can't let all these dark clouds hanging over my head stop me from seeing the sun. Things will get better. Scott will come back to me, and we'll be a family. We're all going to get exactly what we deserve... even Marrow.

I'll make sure of it.

~Jean

* * * * *

**_Seattle, Washington_**

The slick rain pours down hard on the dark, stormy night, with thunder roaring in the distance. The strikes of lightning illuminate the imposing brick building that lies on the southeast edge of the city, setting the mood for the precedings inside. The building stands nearly two hundred feet tall, and stretches across many an acre of land. Once a sanitarium for the criminally insane, it was shut down years ago, and seemingly abandoned.

But now someone's taken up residency.

Sitting outside the building's front gates, in a sleek black car, are four individuals, all staring down the building with an anxious flare in their eyes. In the front sits an oriental woman with long black hair, clearly in her thirties, and a latino man with a buzz cut, considerably younger. Both are wearing black outfits that would have them branded as spies or government agents by the general public; neither title is too far off.

In the back sit two teenagers, a brown-haired and rather thin caucasian young man, and a blonde-haired girl with heavily tanned skin. Unlike the adults that sit in front of them, the two mutant children in back are scared out of their wits, even though they refuse to show it.

"What the _hell_ are we still doing here?" the girl asks with a whiney twinge in her voice, hugging herself tightly in defiance of the cold. "This is ridiculous. Shouldn't we be, like, driving away or something? Why are we sitting right outside the headquarters of those creeps who kidnapped us? Wait till my father hears about this... they'll ALL be sorry..."

The man in front turns his head, sighing heavily. "Jacqueline, those creeps are the Friends Of Humanity, and I doubt that even the big, bad Adam Chandler can do anything to stop them. We've already explained why we're here. We're waiting to have some information confirmed from our..."

"...'Inside source'. Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jacqueline replies snottily, turning away from the conversation. The man turns back up front, not bothering to say another word. The girl is a certifiable pain in the ass, and he's wondering if it was such a good idea to even rescue her in the first place.

"Cam," the oriental woman says, turning the man's attention to the cellular phone in her hand. The flashing red dot near the earpiece grabs his attention. "The signal."

"Alright, answer it, Erica," Cameron says anxiously, as his partner presses one of the phone's buttons and holds it to her ear. "Carver?"

_"Erica, it's just like we thought. It's him. That sonuvabitch is alive."_

Erica sighs as her head droops slightly, then she looks into her partner's eyes. She does not even need to say anything. Her expression tells all.

From the back seat, Jacqueline perks up and leans forward. "What? What is it?"

Neither one of them answer the young girl, instead they look at her briefly then turn back to eachother. "Alright Carver, we're heading off now. Be careful in there," Erica says before turning the phone off and placing it in her jacket pocket. She and Cameron face forward and buckle their seatbelts, as Erica starts the car. "Peter, Jacqueline, buckle up, we're getting out of here."

"FINALLY!" Jacqueline says with a sigh of relief, settling back into her seat. The car pulls out of its place along the sidewalk and treks on down the rain-drenched streets, off to a place safe from danger. Safe from the Friends Of Humanity.

Safe from Graydon Creed.

* * * * *

Continued in _#18_, "Hide & Seek"


End file.
